


Mistakes and Weaknesses

by evilwriter37



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 22:33:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5644252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilwriter37/pseuds/evilwriter37
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Directly after the battle on Starkiller base, Kylo Ren struggles with many regrets and his own weakness. He's just made so many mistakes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mistakes and Weaknesses

He lay motionless in the snow, the cold wetness beginning to seep through his robes. The ground rumbled underneath him. He could hear it crumbling and collapsing nearby, sinking into its own compromised core. He was going to die, and maybe, well maybe that was okay. It was going to hurt of course, to be crushed and burned alive as the planet imploded, but it would be quick. At the moment, it would be easier to accept it than to run from it. Besides, he couldn’t gather the strength to stand.

'Weak,' Kylo Ren berated himself. 'You should have killed her. You shouldn’t be lying here accepting death and thinking you deserve it.'

Anger burned hot in his veins and he mustered the strength to scream. It was tormented, filled with fury and pain, but hardly audible to even his own ears over the sound of the dying planet.

The snow around him was falling harder, stinging his exposed face and the wound there. He closed his eyes in defeat. He wasn’t ready to die, wasn’t nearly finished, but that was alright. Kylo Ren felt a strange sense of tranquility among the anger and regret.

And then he began to panic. He knew what that calm and serenity was. He couldn’t be lost to the Light in his final moments! He wouldn’t allow it. That would mean he had failed.  
With a groan, Kylo forced himself up. The light tugged incessantly at him, a small, gentle voice in his head telling him that all was forgiven.

But it wasn’t. It would be unforgivable to die succumbing to the Light. Desperate, Kylo reverted to the technique of bringing himself pain, beating his fist hard against the blaster wound in his side. He grunted and doubled over, hitting himself again. Yes, pain would bring him closer to the all powerful Darkness that he craved.

Ren fell to his knees in the snow, hand clutching his side, fingers trying to dig their way inside the wound. That small voice faded into nonexistence, replaced with his own, yelling wordlessly in pain and anger.

Not five feet from him, the ground dropped away into fire and heat. He felt a crazed sense of satisfaction, reveling in his own pain. He would die the way he was supposed to.

“Kylo Ren!” a familiar voice cut through the rumbling and the wind.

Kylo pushed himself to his feet, hand still to his side, blood leaking between his gloved fingers. He turned to face General Hux, robes billowing out behind him. A bulky spaceship stood nearby, ramp open, allowing light to cut into the driving snow.

“We must leave now!” Hux shouted. “The planet is imploding!”

“You know, I really hadn’t noticed,” Ren growled as he stamped up to him, reaching out a hand, lightsaber flinging into his grip. The general offered his arm for him to lean on, but Ren just marched on past, feet clanging on the grey metal walkway into the spaceship. He knew Hux wanted to see him weak. He was competing with him to be higher in the eyes of the Supreme Leader. It would never happen. Hux only possessed cunning, not power. Kylo Ren, on the other hand, knew power better than anyone.

Hux boarded the spaceship right behind him, the ramp retracting, blocking out the cold and snow. It took off instantly, and the franticness of the lift off had Ren staggering. He cursed under his breath, nearly fell, but Hux righted him with a hand on his back.

'Blasted man. Probably enjoying every minute of this.'

They were in the main holding area of the ship. The control bridge was at the other end of it. The room was sparsely furnished with a few uncomfortable looking benches jutting out of the walls. The corners were crowded with crates and containers holding various pieces of weaponry and equipment. A few stormtroopers mingled about, and a guard was posted at the opening of each of the two hallways that ran deeper into the ship.

Kylo suddenly felt incredibly vulnerable. He was hurt and without his mask, and among those in the room, only Hux had ever seen his face before. The troopers were looking at him with a sort of wonder and curiosity. He hardened his eyes and set his mouth in a sneer. Hopefully that would frighten them, especially with the blood that still ran down his face.

Kylo Ren strode down the hallway on the left, knowing the exact layout of the ship, as he had been on many before.

Footsteps clanged behind him as Hux jogged to catch up on his shorter legs.

“Ren, what are you doing? You should rest. There’s a bedroom down the-”

“I want to figure out where to go now,” Kylo responded curtly.

“We’re going to Snoke,” Hux answered, now by his side. “He requested I bring you to him.

Kylo halted in his tracks. “Bring me to him? What am I, a blase tree goat?” He was deeply offended. Had those been Snoke’s exact words, or was Hux just trying to grate on his nerves?

“He said that it is time you finished your training.”

“I have sufficient training, thank you very much.” He turned a glare on the general. “And if I were Snoke, I would be very disappointed that-”

“That you didn’t defeat the girl?” Hux cut in. Ren clamped his mouth shut, fire flaring in his black eyes. Hux just met his gaze calmly. The man was growing more impudent by the second.

“Snoke said that you’re training is not yet complete.” His voice, with his infuriating, pompous accent, was even.

Kylo wanted to shout at him, to slice his head off, to destroy the whole damn spaceship, but he just stood there, curled his gloved hands into fists, body shaking from his pent up rage. He noted a flicker of fear in Hux’s eyes. There should have been more, but that would have to do for the moment.

“And how will Snoke take it when he finds out that the entire plan failed because of one tiny little stormtrooper that wouldn’t fall in line?” He tried to keep his voice calm, but his next words came in a shout. “Do not speak to me of failure, general!” He spat the title like it had a bad taste in his mouth, (not that he didn’t get a bad taste just by thinking about Hux,) rearing his shoulders so that he seemed even bigger.

Hux’s face had gone white. He moved his mouth as if to speak, but said nothing. 

Ren continued on down the hallway. “We go after them,” he announced. “Attack while they are still worn out.”

“But we are worn out as well,” Hux countered, catching up to him. He stayed behind him this time rather than placing himself by his side. That was an improvement.

“Besides,” he continued, “they no doubt went into lightspeed. We’ll have no way of tracking them.”

“They’ll be heading for their base,” Kylo argued. “If we move fast enough to intercept them we cou-” He was interrupted as the ship suddenly lurched and shook. He fell back against the wall, fighting to remain standing.

“Sith-spawn!” Hux cursed, thrown into the opposite wall.

Kylo raised his eyebrows. “What did you just say?” It was a common curse nowadays, but everyone made sure to never say it around him. The last person who had, well, they hadn’t been able to find his other leg.

“Nothing,” Hux quickly corrected himself, pushing off from the wall. “What was that?”

“An attack?” Ren suggested. He took off towards the bridge at a brisk pace.

“Sir, the planet just imploded,” a female trooper informed him as he entered the room. She had hesitated before speaking, taken aback by the absence of his mask.

“Well then put us into lightspeed!” Ren demanded. He stormed up to the pilot and copilot. “Are we hit?”

“No, sir,” the pilot responded. He pulled a lever. “Entering lightspeed.”

The stars all around and before them turned into white streaks. They blurred past until they were in a dizzying tunnel of white light.

“Leave lightspeed,” Kylo ordered. “I want some time before I meet with the Supreme Leader.”

The pilot complied without a word, and everything slowed down around them until the stars once again became individual specks of light that seemed almost motionless. Satisfied, Ren left the bridge. Hux had remained in the hallway.

“Why are we no longer in lightspeed?”

“I want some time to myself before i see Snoke,” Kylo answered, striding past. “If you have any protests, save them. Perhaps you want some time before Snoke decides to kill you for your colossal failure!”

Kylo would have smirked, (Hux would finally be gone!) but his face hurt to much to complete the action. Besides, that would be close to a smile, and such a simple expression was a weakness.

He felt his anger directed towards himself now. Weakness. He had too many of them, and that now included Rey.

He shut down his thoughts while he crossed back through the holding room and went into the next hallway. He didn’t allow himself to think until he had reached the bedroom Hux had spoken of. He sat down on the bed, much smaller than the one he was used to, and didn’t even bother to turn on the lights or take stock of his surroundings. His wounds pounded and his body ached, and he was tired and hungry, but all of that could wait. For now, Kylo Ren needed to think.

He could have easily killed her. He should have. Why didn’t he kill her?

But Kylo Ren already knew the answer to that question. He had seen something in her, felt something in her. She was intriguing: brave and frightened all at the same time, a hardened woman created from lonely years spent in the hot sands of Jakku, but still holding onto the child that had been abandoned. He sympathized with her, understood her loneliness, as he often felt it himself.

Kylo Ren also knew that none of that mattered to Snoke, and that it shouldn’t even matter to him. He prayed that the Supreme Leader still thought him useful despite his failures, because if not, he was currently flying to meet his executioner.

'He’ll be my executioner in the end anyway.'

Han had been correct in saying that Snoke would kill him when he was no longer of use. He had known that almost right from the beginning of entering his training.

Kylo felt something twinge inside of him at the brief thought of his father. Unbidden, the memory of the last look in his eyes slammed into the forefront of his thoughts. Shock, but even worse, his father’s eyes in those last moments had held acceptance.

Regret and guilt burned like the twin suns of Tatooine in his stomach. He tried to push it away and bury it, but it refused to leave.

Kylo suddenly sprang to his feet with a tormented bellow, lightsaber blazing to life in his hand and illuminating the room in an eerie red glow. He attacked the opposite wall with quick, hard strikes, wounds all but forgotten. He left glowing trails of molten metal that cut across each other at odd angles and almost went all the way through the wall.

His gaze went to the floor when he was finished, his chest heaving, his gasping breaths the only sound besides the humming of the lightsaber. His left side ached and burned and blood was dripping down into his eyes, damp hair falling over his face.

Kylo hadn’t been lying when he had said he was being torn apart. That was the most truthful he’d ever been to his father. The Light constantly beckoned him while he yearned for the Dark. He couldn’t leave it now, not after all these years, not after all he had done. He had made a terrible decision in joining Snoke, and now he was living to pay the price.

Kylo Ren deactivated his lightsaber and let it fall from his hand. He had suddenly lost the urge for violence - his original intention had been to throw it, to throw it as hard as he could at the wall in hopes that it would break beyond repairing. But he just couldn’t. He was just so weak and tired.

He groaned, hand going to his side. He was certain he was still bleeding. He needed medical attention, should have sought it out right away.

'Always have to live with my mistakes,' he thought dryly. 

Kylo then slowly stripped down to just his simple tunic that he wore underneath everything else, the process arduous and painful. The last layer of fabric was stuck to his body with blood and sweat.

He winced as he eased himself back into a sitting position on the bed. He longed to close his eyes for a few minutes to recollect some of his strength, but that wouldn’t happen. His strength was still trickling out of the terrible wound in his side.

There was a curt rap on the door. Kylo didn’t have it in him to put on and maintain his usual persona of strength and menace, anxiety at being so vulnerable sparking inside his stomach.

“What?” he sighed in obvious irritation. Perhaps the person on the other side would be smart enough to go away at hearing his discontent.

That was not the case. The door opened to admit Hux, who looked around for a moment before flicking a switch to turn on the light. Ren was momentarily blinded and just sat there blinking, unhappy about his visitor.

“Why are you so intent on being my shadow?” Ren inquired tiredly. He had meant for it to come out aggressively, but not even his voice could escape the should-be-fatal wound in his side. He had seen people hit like this before, troopers that had been dead on impact. If the wookie had hit him in a more centralized area, he would be dead too.

“Perhaps you need one.” There was none of the usual hostility or spite in Hux’s voice. He took a step forward and closed the door behind him. He inspected him silently, and Kylo felt almost naked under that gaze. “Is it as bad as it looks?”

“Worse, possibly.” Kylo withdrew his hand from his side, examined the bright red that came away on his fingers. Then he looked to Hux. “What do you want?”

“To come to a compromise,” Hux responded, folding his hands behind his back. “An understanding of sorts.”

“Go on.” His reply was hoarse.

“Instead of trying to pit Snoke against each other, we should be working together to ensure our mutual survival.” The general’s voice was even, but there was a hint of fear in his eyes. Snoke scared him, as he should. He scared Ren too. He was shocked however, hadn’t expected such a suggestion from the man. His emotions made him speak freely:

“But you hate me.”

“That may be so,” Hux agreed simply, “but we share a common interest.”

“So you’re proposing that we lie to Snoke?” Kylo was astounded. Lying to the Supreme Leader, even thinking of doing it, was the stupidest thing in the galaxy. It was a death wish. No, worse than a death wish. A wish for eternal agony and torment.

“Not exactly, no,” Hux responded quickly, apparently having the same thoughts. “Let’s just not embellish each other’s mistakes, perhaps come close to sounding admiring of the other instead. We will still both have to face Snoke’s wrath, but perhaps this will weaken the blow.”

It wasn’t at all difficult for Kylo to see the reason in this. He just nodded, hunching over. He could feel his consciousness slipping away.

“Then I will go put us back into lightspeed. You need immediate medical attention that we can’t provide in deep space.

Kylo wanted to protest - he wasn’t ready to face Snoke - but all that came from him was a grunt. His vision darkened and he slid to the floor, trying desperately to hold onto consciousness.

And then came that voice again, as it always did when he was at his weakest.

“It’s alright,” it cooed. “Mistakes can be forgiven.”

“Ren!” Hux’s alarmed voice cut through into his dimming senses, but not for very long. That bright, shimmering presence in his mind refused to be ignored or blocked out.

“It’s okay. Come to the Light, where you belong.”

He would have been shocked if not for his fading awareness. It was Rey’s voice - gentle and non judgemental - accompanied with a light glow that he could see with his mind’s eye.

'Huh, like a ray of sunshine. Rey.'

He nearly succumbed to the light right then and there; it was so entrancing, especially with her voice. But in his last moment of wakefulness, he remembered himself.

Kylo Ren drew back from the Light, and then knew nothing more.


End file.
